Losing my religion

Life catches on, move on and you are sucked in with the daily events and small things that consists of your life. Then you are caught suddenly thinking what you are doing with your life. What is it you want. What is your purpose. That is so trite. But once in a while you question your purpose here and trying to find the meaning of your existence. You forget to pray. Pray for what? There was a time I will religiously take my rosary and pray like crazy and pull those small markings that said how many times you chanted yourself sore. Now, I have lost my sense of being in touch with myself. Acknowledging that something bigger than me is at force and I am part of it. What happened? Life caught on and I lost myself into mindless pleasure of little things that somehow doesn’t really matter. But then chanting everyday somehow didn’t give me the same pleasure that used to give me. It doesn’t have sense anymore. To whom am I chanting? Am I reminding myself of something? When you are ready the Guru will find you! But it seems I am yet to find that Guru.

In my quest for Guru and explanation about myself I dabbled in mysticism, read bible, read Koran, read Buddhism, read all I could I find to read that would hold my interest. Went to church, went to mosque, climbed mountains to find the scared places and came back questioning my quest and not yet finding the answers that my heart seeks. I remember walking ten hours for three grueling days to Singye Dzong and arguing to myself and questioning the Guru who went there. I kept asking questioning “Gee you had to go to godforsaken place and make it scared and here I am following your footsteps” and remember the lore teller of the place pointing various shapes of the rocks and saying this is Guru’s Dorji and Khandu’s whatever. And I am looking at them and saying, huh…so what are you trying to say? Other than seeing the giant example of Guru’s asset I couldn’t figure out what I am suppose to see. Then I remembered a story about Drupka Kuenley showing his lingam to a family and they all became enlightened. Was I suppose to get enlightened? Was my mind so clouded by the emotions of being too human that I fail to see what I am suppose to see?

Every time I take a footstep towards those scared places I question. you really had to go there??? For what purpose? I get it that you needed some place quite but couldn’t you have chosen some places nearby? And what in the heaven’s name were you thinking marking those places and sculpting those rocks? Symbolism seems to be the only answer that hits you with reality and show things that is in your face, loud and sometimes so shocking that will somehow show you that there are other forces greater than you have ever believed in. But somehow these symbols seems to leave you with more questions than answers. Sometimes I agree with the place. I agree this is a beautiful place that touches your heart and makes you poetic. If I was a poet I will be writing poetic words and I find peace here and I am sure you must have come here to find the peace when life got too much.So tell me, are you laughing yourself silly because all kind of people come here to find something and sometimes believing that it will cleanse their bad karma or open their mind? Why am I here? I am here because my mind is restless and I might die soon without knowing you. I am here because I believe in higher spiritual force and I need to be in touch with it once in a while, which I cant seem to do it when I am sucked in life. On and on I will go on talking to myself believing I am conversing to someone greater than me. Buddhism doesn’t believe in god, Buddhism is a philosophy and Buddha hood. But how much of it do I really believe in it?


  1. Hi My World, My Reads,
    I get the feeling that there comes a phase in every person’s life - every thinking person’s life - a phase in which one is intrigued by the meaning and the purpose of one’s birth. There was a time when I too wondered what I was doing in this world, what purpose I would serve, what mission I was needed to accomplish. It was all a mystery that remains unsolved to this day. But unlike in the past, I am no longer bothered by the questions - in fact I stopped asking those questions simply because I could not come up with a credible answer. I asked others who are supposed to have an answer for you, they did, but their reasoning was so illogical, I think they are a seriously misguided lot.

    I am a believer in religion - as something of a code of conduct, a science of healthy living and harmonious co-existence. But I do not acknowledge it as something to do with God and Devil. I particularly do not believe in it being an escape route for ones sins and evil deeds and harmful habits. Even a supposedly great religion such as Buddhism has some seriously flawed tenets that do not appeal to a thinking person. Something that has baffled me all my life and something that I totally disagree with is the Buddhist belief of deliverance through penance.

    Religion was fashioned centuries ago when humans were not capable to objective and logical thinking. Therefore, a primitive mind that is incapable of objective reasoning is likely to accept the belief that one can be absolved of one’s sins if one built Lhakhangs and Chortens, contributed to building statues of Buddha and Guru, surrendered one’s gold jewelry for bedecking the statue of some great God or Goddesses. But seriously, how plausible is it that one’s sins can be wiped out if one did rimdro or do losum choesum? In fact, I think this is a dangerous belief.

    I too went to Singye Dzong and crossed over to Tso-Kar and Tso-Ngag through Terda Lha-Tso by scaling Gosung. Enroute, I was pointed out a whole lot of oddities that had to do with either the Guru or his Khandro. The meadow just before the main Merak village is filled with strangely shaped stones and boulders and holes in the ground that has, according to local belief, some relation to Aum Jumo or her randy human lover who was asked to sink his lingum into the stone because a goddess could not copulate with a human. It is totally weird! I mean every freakish creation of nature in these sacred places is touted to relate to some great God or Goddess. Makes you feel really dumb!

    1. I am re-reading all my blogs and and have come to noticed I have never appreciated your thoughtful comments and your time for reading my blog. I thank you now. Cheers,

  2. Wow...lol...I havent read all but I am sure you could have written in your own blog.. response to...blog...here is my opinion ...:) its almost a blog writing. Ok...kinda a busy with last minute stuffs but I will read your opinion and comment. Thanks.


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