Thursday, April 28, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Once in a while when life seems to hang and you feel like you are in limbo not knowing whether there is a straight road ahead of you or a curve with surprises , I wonder was it my fate or my choice I am here in the limbo. What is fate? What was my choice? Did I ever had it? Is everything guided by the invisible hand of karma or fate? Is there such thing as freedom of choice at all? Am I a fool to think that I made the choice without outside influence on my decision and thought? Is it fate that I am a good person or bad person? Do I have a choice to be a good person? or bad person? or is it karma that has made me who I am? I maybe confused and the depression manic is taking control of me. Whatever!
The biggest question and debate I have is on choice of one’s life partner. It all started with my husband saying because of laye, previous life deed that I am his wife. Huh??? Excuse? He meant that he couldn’t have avoided marrying me even if he didn’t want me. Because the great laye made sure that I was his wife. Of course, if this was one of those Bhutanese movie, I will be singing the saddest song of my life about laye and namkey and holding his hand walking out in sunset or maybe around the prayer wheels for all I care. But my reaction was, I was spitting mad at him and wanted to throw something over his head. Being romantic at heart I would have preferred that he choose me above all because he couldn’t have lived without me. No, he had to break my illusion and say that he had not choice there.
For me he was my choice. Fate brought us together, fate or karma made us meet together and feel ease in each other presence. Fate crossed our path. But choice was there for me..open in front of my eyes, either I choose him for my husband or not. Fate didn’t push me to choose him as my husband. For me fate and karma is when there is no choice. Like parents, children, cousins and meeting certain people. Choice is there for us to keep certain people as friends, go on a certain journey. Life always has full of choices and its up to us to make the choice and get the best. And damn if I am going to blame or kiss my fate for getting him as my husband. If I have any issues with laye, I will start by lamenting the time I met him. Yes, that’s where I will start. But the choice of my husband, I will start blaming my foolish heart and romantic notion. Next time, he says that again, I will not hesitate to throw something on his head. He is and was always my choice and not because of my bloody ley and namkey.
Friday, April 8, 2011
I am almost done here. Time to go back home to my little baby and my husband. But now what? What do I want to do with my life? I don’t know. It’s the pressing question I have been getting often these days. Maybe write a book? I always wanted to do that. But for life of me…I don’t know how I am going to do that. My english is not so good and I am yet to come up with a story. I had a story in my mind of a young boy who goes looking for treasure of his family. Had it in my mind ever since I was in high school and it is still there in my head. The boy was based on my brother. But I am thinking can he be my hero in the story? He has grown up and with all the fears of adolescent he is facing the world the best he can. But I still remember him when he was young boy with all the innocence and joy of youth. He was magical and sweetest boy and he ended up giving me inspiration for my story running in my head. I am still thinking between four men in my life.
a) My husband – he is spoilt brat and a man. he is responsible and kind and have this sunny confidence that one cannot help but be warmed up with his sunny confidence. He is spoilt too…..by his family and sisters. He is shrewd and have the arrogance to thinks that he can achieve everything in his life. Along with his arrogance I march beside him with full confidence. When I am low I look at him to boost my confidence and my attitude. But darn I just wish I had his determination.
b) My son – another lil man growing up spoilt by in-laws and many in-laws. He will boss and order people around. Just like his father. Which irates me to no end.
c) My father – the drinker, the drunkard and the villain in the family drama ever since I was growing up. He is smart and good father. but he made sure we get the taste of domestic violence. I call it eye opening and growing up of me and my siblings. I guess it’s too crass to call it domestic violence cos we all grew up fine with occasional depression here and there we are sane and stable in mind. But he is weak, he is honest, he is just my father who thinks fate was never kind to him. And I really don’t have any answer to that. He is complex.
d) My brother – being the only son in the family he has the responsibility of man in the house. He is vulnerable and the mediator between father and the family. He is wise beyond his age and once in a while he will show his vulnerability side of a boy when we are together talking about life. He has dreams and ideas and has strong sense of family. His nemesis is our sister. One year older than him..growing up together and seeing them fight and sort out their life. He is scared of her and will put me and our elder sister in between to ask things from her. Never could fight her. She is tough, stubborn and funny. Both of them still inspire me. he is still my magical little brother having strong sense of family life, while me and my elder sister is fighting to keep family drama harming them and letting them not see what both of us saw while growing up. but father being father and mother being mother, and both of them having powerful relationship to destroy each other, no one is spared from the drama so either watch from outside or participate in the drama and most of the time we have to participate to my chagrin. So the innocence of life is again busted and we are back to circle of life.