Monday, October 10, 2011

Learning unconditionality

When you are married with someone for a long time you get into a pattern of life. A rhythm you follow everyday and you get so stuck to that routine that you hate anyone breaking it. You loose the flexibility nature of accepting suprises. I realised that I have compartmentalized everyone and couldnt accept if anyone moved away from what I thought they should be doing. Like my husband. I couldnt accept why he suddenly developed a habit of not hearing me when I wanted to talk or work out a problem. Why I felt like he was not there when I needed him the most, or when I thought I needed him the most.And it irritated me to no end when he threw his shoe everywhere and later made me running here and there looking for the other shoe. I wanted my son to do exactly what I wanted him to do and if he wanted to act like any normal three year boy, I will be screaming his name like a fish seller. Now, I don't know how exactly a fishwife sounds like having never been to fish market but the ones that I have been to are mostly male and they will shout at you to buy their wares if they see you are looking their way.

One day it hit me. I was working up a steam. We had gone to the town, yea the town where I still see the sad donkey. It was suppose to be an half hour outing, which was slowly turning to three hours. Our son was hyperactive, I was tired after running after him and nagging him not to do this, not to touch that, leave that alone, come here, blah..blah. My husband had grown roots and was stuck on that damn pathetic chair and laughing with his friends like as if they have never met and not moving an inch to go home. I was getting mad and was getting close to tears. I thought I am going to leave this ass, I am moving back to Thimphu, I am not cut out for this...I deserve better.I am going to take our son and leave this ass to this pathetic place and then he will realise my worth. Snif..snif..snif...poor me. Then it hit me. My feelings was becoming conditional and was not willing to accept someone as they were. My husband was always the same. He loves his friend and sometimes I feel more than me but thats alright. I had known that. And my son..I was becoming so rigid that his creative nature was getting strangled by my control and he was rebelling in his own way. And myself..I was getting worked up to heartburn by my ownself. I was pushing myself to grave early with all that negative feelings and anger. I cooled down-somewhat. Its hard to accept that maybe you yourself might be your own problem. My pride hurt the most. But I did cool down and no I didnt suddenly turn to angel of love and happiness. I was still gloomy with a bruised ego. But I stopped controlling my son and let him run around with his friends, playing in the mud (it had rained) and eventually sat near my ass of a husband and enjoyed somewhat to the conversation that was going around. Then my husband looked at my face and must have seen my poor me face and said ok lets go home, our son might be tired. So we all went home one small happy family with my bruised ego smiling weakly.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

The new dynamic look

The new changes made to the blog look is sleek, easy to navigate and pretty enough to look at. I wish I had wonderful blog with pictures and writing but despite my poor content of my blog, I must say its looking professional sort. Anyone who has photo blog or recipe blog will look nice with different views the new dynamic view the blogger.com has introduced. I can't wait for some of the blogs to change their look to dynamic view. Here is the snapshot of Yeshey-the photographer's blog…looks pretty cool.

image

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Murder in the fish bowl

Something got in my head that my lil’ boy need a friend. And of course should start learning about responsibility. At this young age. Must be all the books that I have read and the experience that I have encountered got in my head. I don’t know what really got in my head. So we went to Siliguri on a weekend outing and watch a movie. I am not the adventurous kind or a fun kind no matter what I say. But there I was along with my kid and my sis-in-laws to watch a movie of all the things. Of course we made a stop at Water Kingdom which I must say was a good place for children to play in the water. Then I bought five fishes – four goldfishes and one ugly fish the seller claimed it cleans the tank. I told my son, these are your friend and you should take care of them. Mother pearl of wisdom I thought. And the fishes arrived all fine back home along with their grand new home – a big bowl and colored pebbles.
goldfish
They looked so grand, nice and beautiful. Today is their fourth day here in Bhutan. They are all dead. How and why they are dead is a mystery I am yet to understand. It looked like a murder in a fish bowl with all of them dying one after another. A mass killing. So much so about having fishes as a friend. Should have stuck to dog but I hate dogs in the house or cat. Maybe I should get a turtle for him. Well no matter. Now I am stuck with a big empty fish bowl and lot of colored pebbles. Seriously, I should have done lot of research and then should have bought the fish. And I did everything that I was advised to do when I bought the fish but it must be something I did wrong. Maybe the water? or too much oxygen? or temperature? Or something…….
 Dead Goldfish

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

To Thimphu or not to Thimphu

I don't like Thimphu city very much. I enjoy going to Thimphu once in a while and meeting up with my family or catching up with my friends but I don't like the pretentious air, the over crowded with bigger than your pocket vehicles and most of all I don't like how the capital city has moved to become very dirty and dusty. Capital city of Bhutan is heavily populated with civil servants but everyone seems have this artificial income that I fear will soon burst like the bubble. Adam Smith said the economy of the market should be let to the forces of the free hand of the market. The free hand that seems to in equilibrium of demand and supply is the imported goods. No complains here. I have learn to savor the flavor of sea-weed. I love it. And do you know the one made in olive oil is bit expensive? Or the the noodles from Korea where I pay another atrocious price of Nu.80 per packet where as waiwai or maggie cost you like Nu.10 or 12 per packet. Sigh!! I love eating out too. I love spaghetti or tom yum soup. I love cakes...ohhhh yes...those delicious yummy creamy cakes. And I like buying products with strange language where I can't understand what its is or can't see the expiry date. For all I care, it might be saying you will die as soon as you open the packet or this product was manufactured during the dinosaur time. These are the few things I like in capital. Otherwise, I like Samtse despite its heat and people working at the snail pace or getting angry at some Indian people I think is ripping off me. In terms of shopping Thimphu is over priced place. I wait for my office to send me to one of the trainings that comes by...like in maybe five years or so. Hehehe. Face it. Trainings are always grabbed by the Thimphulites. Whereas the people serving outside Thimphu, Paro and Phuentsholing are often ignored or simply forgotten. And I find that capital city of Bhutan is become very ugly and unplanned city. Look at Changjiji and Babesa area. It could have been a very planned area than the Thimphu town.But when you face through the national highway (??), the roads are not properly planned, some of the buildings are too close and the construction taking place looks too haphazard. If properly planed Changjiji could have been properly planned area and maybe could have looked beautiful that befit the name as capital.

Anyways, Thimphu city- the place where I grew up and have family living there and somehow I just simply can’t muster the feeling of appreciation is a place I have to eventually move to. I often used to want to get away from the mountains. Sometimes, I thought I will never get away from the mountains. The beautiful mountains used to feel like prison and I wanted to see plains. You know..just look out and try to see to make out the horizon. Sometimes, when I go to Gomtu, I will go to the lhakhang and just gaze out. Its on a small hill and when you look out, you will see plain land sprawling in front of you. And you take a deep breath and think yes this is space- no boundaries. Just you, sky, land and the feeling of the presence of now. Now the disadvantage of staying in place like the least developed Samtse is education for your child. Everyone is now saying I should send my lil' darling to Thimphu for his education. Thimphu has the best daycare school, Thimphu has the best educated teachers, Thimphu has this and that...yea yea I get it. As a parent I am responsible to give the best that I can provide. But, as a family we have only short time to stay together. When he is 18 or 16 or 13 he will no longer need me. He will become independent and would want the space. And I feel till he is independent we should stay as family and share the joys of him growing up in front of my eyes. So the case now is - I should get a transfer. The problem of transfer? No one wants to move their ass from Thimphu. They just want to stay in Thimphu. And once I move to Thimphu, I need the government to pay half of the house rent because how on earth am I going to afford all those imported stuffs, eh?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

One of those days

 Its one of those days when your baby decides not to go to his daycare school after traveling fifteen minutes to reach the school, when your fridge cooling system dies down in middle of summer, when you are waiting for more than one month for ATM card and find yourself lining up along with all the people sweating and smelling away in glory because its the end of the month and just as your turn comes the banking core system (whatever fancy name they give) gives up. Its one of those days when you simply want a quite moment of your own and your baby decides to play car and dinosaur with you. Or Ben10. Being spider monkey is not the most exciting picture.


Or dinosaur. Or humongousaur









Humongousaur
At this rate I am pretty much turning into real dinosaur and bite the heads off of anyone approaching my territory. I am tired, I need rest, I need my fridge back, I need my baby to go quietly to school. I need.....to breathhhhhhh, get my groove back and be super mom again.Sometimes I think..comeon just lil kid...you can handle it. Be cool. You are the grown up here. Show some authority. Then I go home and well ..I am back to being the Kevin Levin (thats Ben10's friend or something) or brainstorm (another Ben10 alien character) or whatever he chooses to make me into while he the Ben10 decides to squash me and fight me. If I don't pretend to die he will cry me off to death. Ah...the quality moment with your child. And here I had a rosy picture of me reading him books and teaching him how to write and he like a good boy doing what I wanted him to do. So much so for rosy picture and catching up with my reading.And that reminds me the evolution of entertainment. I didnt know about alien till I started reading books about human race and watching Spielberg's E.T. That was most over hyped movie there ever was. I dont see the big deal in that movie nor Star wars...but guess thats because I grew up in different parts of earth and face it that was globalization taking place. Anyways, my highlights of my younger days was watching tom and jerry (that is classic and still is..though now people have started questioning the violence shown there). And of course, how can one can forget He-Man, the master of universe, eh? All that blond hair and brawn..and riding on the tiger fighting to defend the Castle of Gray skull...  
The He-Man
He-Man - love the hair..sigh!!


Pretty neat...huh?
I have the POWER!!!!












Now, because of Ben10 my lil' hero knows about alien and spaceship. Edge! My son is brilliant. Now only if he can write his A's properly. Somehow, he still thinks A should be inverted. There is a point there since when I am teaching him he is opposite to me so A is inverted to him...:) Oppss...silly mummy, eh? However, after  one inverted A, its back to being humongousaur. Or as he says - Its hero time.
Calvin & Hobbes

Monday, August 29, 2011

The town

Samtse. The only border town that is still boasting handful of shops and is yet to catch up with rest of the development that is taking place in the country. You cross the checkpost and find that atleast the shops of our neighboring countrymen are faring little bit better than ours. Why? Because of the service offered and their capacity to provide anything of basic needs and of course because of our Bhutanese mentality where we think that the goods across the border is cheaper. I am back in this godforsaken place. In the middle of the year when the heat is at the highest celsius possible with occasional cool down when it rains. Well, not exactly godforsaken place. God, if there is ever a one, has not forsaken this place yet, however, the development that should have taken places have really forsaken this town. Either its because of the border issues or either no one likes to think of this town to bring development. The town is finally boasting one lone meatshop. Hallelujah for carnivorous species. Atleast they don’t have to order a cow to be killed and smuggled across the border. However, till this meatshop appeared, a cow had to be ordered or a pig and the next day you are brought a hot still moving flesh. God really have mercy on us. Its either to faint or grimly ignore all the compassion in you. I always call it a test of one’s compassion in you and my result is Bhutanese compassion is just a mouth service. These are the times when you think god have really forsaken the people living here because we all sin together. And by the way, the town also boast a mascot in form of a white donkey. He was left free because it had become old and could no longer serve its master. When I left this place it was dirty, sick and its ear was full of wound that crows and the flies used to pick on it. I thought it will die of infection and no one could do anything because everyone said it bites. It will roam in the town, inspect the dustbins , eat the carton boxes and rotten vegetables. Now, it has become beautiful and healthy. Infact, it is looking handsome and kinder (there there…I am not going to become emotional over a donkey…).
Well, I am back and with nothing to do, guess its time to pick up the reading once again.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Memories

I love travelling and meeting people on the way. Its strange because I never keep lasting relationship with anyone of them but the pleasant memories they give me makes me smile back for that brief interlude they gave me to my life. I will not be writing about my stay here if not for this two people who are surviving here in Big Apple.

My cousin squeezed me in this tiny room he just rented day before I was suppose to come here. the place was a studio apartment shared along with two and a half people. Then he left because he got a job somewhere else and cant afford to miss it. He left me among this total strangers – two men and one small boy of 11 years old. After buying some something for me to survive on till I leave this place – and nope I wont be meeting him after this. Sigh!! why did I insist on coming here?  I have no idea what I was suppose to do till I leave this place and I wont be seeing him ever!!! What a messed up plan. On top of that this apartment –B1- seems to be the only place without WIFI. Shit!!! I tried poaching on others and somehow did manage to use some of the internet but it was snail pace slow. Those with strong signals was restricted. I tried talking with the father of the boy. He was old, maybe late 50, small in frame and very restless. He was tibetan and he did not talk much english. Great!!. But the boy spoke beautiful english but as conversation goes, I had to stoop down to 11 years old and also he was here for past one year, having come from Tibet. His father was a lama as per the boy. now that I don’t know whether to believe. his father was electrician for this area and is out as and when the demand for service come. The other man, I met him only once, wears a red robe and comes in late at night. The only time I met him and did talk to him was for half an hour. He spoke decent english enough for me to converse and ask for direction. I was going crazy without the metro map and address of the place. I need to check Facebook, Gmail and Google map and I was near to going crazy with no idea where I am. The other man said his work is late at night hence he comes in late at night and wakes up around 11 am and leaves for work. I asked for Starbucks and he said its just few blocks down. Whuuu !! that’s better. My mood very pleasant I followed him down and he showed me around. then I came back home to pick up my laptop. The father of the boy was determined that I not stay in the house. it was freaking 91 Fahrenheit    and I agreed with him but outside on the pavement it was more hotter. I was all set to go to Starbucks when the son comes in. The son’s school was half day that day and his father forced him to guide me around. Starbucks – next time. meanwhile I will follow my 11 year old guide who seems to get imaginative the more we converse. I thought they will leave me alone if I said that  I have to arrange my clothes and he said the last time he stayed in the room he got a ticket for that. How can you argue with that logic right? I wanted to tell his father I need to go to starbucks but somehow his son and I ended up going in a different direction. the son asked me, the crazy lady whose language began and ended with internet, where I wanted to go. Go? I have no freaking idea, my boy. why don’t you lead me. He said lets go to park and play water gun. Rightttttt! water gun fight and had this picture of me prancing around the park with llil kids with a giant water gun in my hand. We went to this small shop and he picked up the biggest and the meanest water gun which was $5 and took out his $1 and expectantly waited near the cash register. Huh! ok I had to pay for that. we went to the park and he played around crazy. seems to know almost all the children at the park and once in a while he came and sprayed at me and I glowered at him not to. Everyone asked him whether I was his mother. He kept saying no, I told you my mother died. He introduced me around as flat mate who just finished high school. I didn’t know whether to laugh at finishing high school or hug him for loosing his mother. he was rather grown up talking about his mother but my over imaginative mind that ran in competition to his was feeling rather sad for him. His father was trying to survive and he did say that its difficult to get a job without education and also he cannot speak the language. I applaud him for his bravery. he is bringing up his son the best way he can in a strange city and my guess is they will be on on the poverty statistic of the city. Sharing a small flat with all rooms squeezed in with bed. no living room and only place big enough to breath seems to be the toilet. and the Son seems to be A+ student. And he did have a good looking, charming and decent young boy as son who aim in life was teasing his old man.  The father made dal and rice. It was dal and rice for two whole days before I ran off to Thai restaurant and ordered something and regretted. I hate sweet food. should have stuck to MacDonald. but then I hate hamburgers and coke too. the only thing I decently manage to eat is all kinds of pasta and spaghetti. I believe myself to be an Italian or a Chinese in my previous life. But there was no Italian restaurant and I cant bear the smell of Chinese restaurant. as you grow older you seem to grow more of dislikes than likes. .Why I didn’t cook? cos I didn’t know who owned which food and asking the Father was not a good idea since I couldn’t understand half of what he was trying to say and lo and behold! if I used someone’s potatoes, eh?

When the dish washing time came there was no dishwashing soap but the hand soap. so we ate dal and rice and washed dishes with the pink hand wash liquid soap. each time I wash I promise myself I will get them a dish washing soap but once I step outside I seem to forget till I am near the sink. Every meal time I started talking to the father, asking about his work and stuffs. needless to say I am yet to learn anything anything substantial. our conversation seems to go into english and then he going to tibetan and me turning to dzongkha. however, later I did find out that he was in Delhi for 20 years and I brightened. So, atleast I can converse in Hindi and to my bad luck he didn’t seem to have picked up the language too.so there I was mixing, english, hindi, dzongkha and little bit of tibetan. what I know of tibetan other than it sounds like dzongkha? so I twisted and turned my dzongkha around hoping that it alteast sounds like tibetan but I have not understoood anything he seems to say. The Sons’ translation of our conversation is something I doubt he did it in correct form. 

When I asked the father how long he has been in Big Apple, he haltingly spoke as if trying to remember the words and finally shouted 2002!!!. Really? that long? and I wonder why his english is no better. it will help me a lot if he spoke enough for me to understand so I can talk with an adult than a rather imaginative 11 year old boy. he is full of mischief, and made me read all his x-men comic books, watched kungfu-panda 2, play games with him which he cheated all the time and when I came home after a day away next day he was holding my whole packet of cake and eating away to glory. when I saw him holding the cake in his hand, I looked at him and asked wryly whether he is enjoying. he puts the cake under my nose and says this is pound cake. hahaha ok. Thanks for the info, lil man.

  I finally managed to make my sojourn to starbucks and read mail, facbooked, downloaded google map and found couple of address. now I am ready to get on that metro and explore!!! Preparing for my departure in couple of days I asked the father- the father and the son- my only two friend in this big city. whether I would get a taxi to airport. Father says yes yes and he can take me there if I help him with this GPS. help!! really not a good time to experiment ol’ man!!! but I was curious and as I am gadget fanatic once in a while - I couldn’t resist the challenge of teaching him and learning one myself. I saw countless people use it and took it for granted so I never learned to use one. and the father takes out this brand new GPS – he tells me it is his third. he threw away others..as he couldn’t use it. Figured because it does take some knowledge and familiarity to use it. And did I say english? The instructions are spoken in english…. and hohoho if you cant understand english. but everyone seems to be able to use it so why not he huh? So, after all this..I am all ready for him to drop me off at airport and hopefully hope that GPS have given us right direction and I catch the plane on time.

But one thing is for sure I will never forget the boy and the old man. for they have touched me in way and I regret leaving them behind. but I am sure they are happy to see me go. the crazy lady who is seen carrying around this big bag carrying her laptop and going over to starbucks and then speaks crazy language drilling them with questions. most of all I will miss my guide who told me I will get tickets for staying in the room.

(written wayyyyyy back).

Friday, August 5, 2011

Lord of the Rings

The Siege of Mirkwood - The free online MMORPG game won many awards and people at Turbine Inc. who brought the games like dungeons and dragons work hard to keep the experience of millions of gamers around the world as smooth as possible. The graphics are sleek and the game playing experience is an experience itself. When I am bored and in front of the computer its hard not to log in to the game and play. Anyone can play this game and best of all its free but of course not all the quests are free. However, with the free game playing you can get to a decent level of thirty and still get your ass kicked. While we are on free games Dungeons and Dragons is also free game to play.

The hunter- that is me. I could pull a mean DPS (damage per second) and an important class when in fellowship. Can solo most of the time but once you are hit you die before you can say mama. Probably because I wear medium armor. Usually I hang around with Guardian or Warden. They aggro while I fire my arrows like crazy. Every class has impressive skills and higher the levels more impressive they become and some of the classes like Warden and Runekeeper have the best skills as they level up. Well you have to pay for that class so I guess money worth’s class eh? But if you are against a mean guy better have a healer and a warden/guardian beside you. And you will always find people looking for fellowship with guard or ward or healer. Well hunter…you can join the fellowship if you respond very fast. Meaning there are lot of hunters since it’s the easiest char to build up and level up.

A day as hunter

“Yo, Dee, you near by?” My friend the warden pings me on pvt. messg.

“Yes, please use the Kinship chat. The pvt. message is difficult to toggle and I hate the pings.”

“Yea yea. Listen I have a badass elite to kill. I need DPS.”

“Ok. but I need you at Evendim. Deal?”

My Lord of the Rings gaming friend Legup the warden and me was busy beating the trolls in the Evendim when we see LFF (looking for fellowship) on the network by another hunter we knew back since we were very small level.

“Enth, you got to be kidding. What you doing on LFF”

“Dee!!! I need backup to kill 180 wood trolls in the north of Evendim”

“180?? Have you lost your mind??? And who gave you that stupid quest?”

“jajaja. That’s my deed and for TP. I need TP to buy quest pack. Heard Angmar is going on sale.”

“Tell me how many TP are you getting for that many kills?”

“50 jajajaj”

“Very funny. But Leg and me is nearby…we’ll help you with few.”

“Legup..Hiya” We have moved on to fellowship chat. Its easier to chat without interfering with pvt. pings, LFF and common chat rooms.

“Look Dee and legup, I need full fellowship with high level. The woodtrolls spawn  like crazy”

“how many you say?” Legup ask.

“180”

“I  will stay around for few” Legup replies.

Evendim. Among the players we call it Evenswim because all the time you are swimming to reach the destination the quest takes you. Swim Swim and I agree with legup for few trolls. Leg is warden so he last longer but he has to take most hits while we hunter have to play safe from the distance. While he last we might have chance of firing our arrows crazy but it’s a suicide deed Enth has decided to complete. 

After two wood trolls we have died countless times, ran away so far away that we had to ride back and got attacked by wild animals. It was suicidal . We gave up after the fourth trolls. No way we can go 180. After few days Enth pings me that he got full fellowship along with healer and did his deeds and got TP. It took him four hours. Well that’s questing for you. Hours of playing just to complete a quest. Also, I was surprised he got a healer for this work. Usually healer are in demand and you normally wont find healers of such high level. My other char is a healer and it is still struggling at level 30 because it’s the weakest char get dies even before you can pull your healing tricks. Its difficult to play solo but in fellow it can heal like crazy and give major morale boost to fellowship. It’s a dream to play in fellowship when you have healer backing you.

If you decide to log in you have to be prepared to spend more than an hour on this game. And the more you level up you have to spend longer hours to complete the quest. Some of the fellowship quest is better with voice chat rather than chat- cos there is no way you can type and fight and survive. So with voice chat you can talk with other players on what you are going to do, which skills will be used and who are dying and need heals fast. So its basically to survive. All the players I have known we just talk about quests, where we are from and that’s it. It’s the sheer pleasure of playing and love for Lord of the Rings that brings us together. We meet, group up and play. There are so many layers in the game playing that’s its difficult to explain what one can talk about and then you have to understand the terms used in the game playing. However, for some players its waste of time and my brother likes to play WarCraft than this one. However, he tells me that game playing is bit similar. I don’t know since I have not played it. I prefer games that have quest and save the village from the evil man kind. I have played other games but Lord of the Ring is the best so far. But as you level up and is not a VIP player than its difficult to advance in the game. Some of my gaming friends have gone from free player to VIP and moved to Moria. Moria- it’s a place all the high level players go to and continue the quests. I have yet to reach there. I have not been able to advance my char hence I am stuck in other places. so I am working on that. Smile. However, there is a good deal with new quest pack The Rise of the Isengard offering moria for free. Still contemplating on buying or not.

And that’s me below…solo…

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Monday, July 11, 2011

Nazar

“Nazar…”……"as in Nazareth the name of the place in Israel”

I looked at him. Nazar…it sounded beautiful. It brought the image of mud houses, sprawling across the brown ground, covering vast expanse of desert; of little boys running through the alleys of the houses with kites in their hand. Seems Kite Runner is still running in my head. Or maybe my over imaginative  mind is  taking its toll. It was strange meeting him in this place of all the place.

“It’s a beautiful name. Does it have any meaning?” I asked. I had plenty of time and didn’t know what to do. And he was there where I had come out for breath of fresh air and rethink what was my next plan. He looked around fortyish and was smoking alone. I looked around taking in my surrounding. There was a big pot of mixed flowers, and only me and him seems to be the only person right now. It looked like I have just selected the smoking area to come out for fresh air. 

“No..no..no meaning. Just like the name of the place. Nazareth.” He looked at me “What about you? What is your name?”

“Kinley..means loved by all” a laugh “or beloved.” I smiled again. It seems strange thing to tell someone the meaning of my name like it was unique and special when the name was very much common as it can be.

“So..” he continued, “ What is your religion?”

Funny, it always comes down to religion when knowing each other or making small talk. There was no need to talk about weather. It was cloudy and showed the sign of coming storm. Summer. No need to talk about coming storm.

“I am Buddhist.” should I tell him that more specially I am a vajrayan buddhist?

“But you know, Buddhism is not a religion per se  but philosophy I went on. I always say that when ever I talk about Buddhism. Somehow I don’t know who I was trying to convince- me or the person I am conversing.

“Yea..yea…” he didn’t look convinced but seems more like humoring me. Even I wondered what I was trying to say when I say its philosophy. philosophy of what? a doctrine of what? of whom?

“What about you?” I asked in return. He looked like a Jew and wasn’t people from Israel jew?

“My religion is Baptist and no its not Christian” he said at the same time. He must have seen the look on my face that asked why  he said that. “Many people think it’s the same. Christianity and Baptist. So I say it before anyone ask.” I laughed.

“Really? this is the first time I am hearing about it.” I have read all sorts of books but I never connected Baptist being a different religion. or maybe I ignored it and would have remained ignorant if not for Nazar as in Nazareth.

“So who started it” I asked curiously.

“John the Baptist.”

“Ah!…I heard about him but never thought he started different branch of religion. I thought he was a disciple of Jesus or maybe one of the saint.”

“How do you practice it?” if it was different from Christianity the practice will be different I suppose.

“Oh, differently!,” was the proud reply. “there are not many people. around few thousands maybe. And we do not marry other religion or allow others to enter it.”

I was amused “So it must be pretty hard to find spouse in this tight religion and might have cousins marrying each other”

“Yea yea..not many people” but there was no further comment and that ended our conversation on religion as the lady I was waiting for came in. I told him I have to go and he wished me good luck. I wished him good luck and was sad to end our short conversation.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Losing my religion

Life catches on, move on and you are sucked in with the daily events and small things that consists of your life. Then you are caught suddenly thinking what you are doing with your life. What is it you want. What is your purpose. That is so trite. But once in a while you question your purpose here and trying to find the meaning of your existence. You forget to pray. Pray for what? There was a time I will religiously take my rosary and pray like crazy and pull those small markings that said how many times you chanted yourself sore. Now, I have lost my sense of being in touch with myself. Acknowledging that something bigger than me is at force and I am part of it. What happened? Life caught on and I lost myself into mindless pleasure of little things that somehow doesn’t really matter. But then chanting everyday somehow didn’t give me the same pleasure that used to give me. It doesn’t have sense anymore. To whom am I chanting? Am I reminding myself of something? When you are ready the Guru will find you! But it seems I am yet to find that Guru.

In my quest for Guru and explanation about myself I dabbled in mysticism, read bible, read Koran, read Buddhism, read all I could I find to read that would hold my interest. Went to church, went to mosque, climbed mountains to find the scared places and came back questioning my quest and not yet finding the answers that my heart seeks. I remember walking ten hours for three grueling days to Singye Dzong and arguing to myself and questioning the Guru who went there. I kept asking questioning “Gee you had to go to godforsaken place and make it scared and here I am following your footsteps” and remember the lore teller of the place pointing various shapes of the rocks and saying this is Guru’s Dorji and Khandu’s whatever. And I am looking at them and saying, huh…so what are you trying to say? Other than seeing the giant example of Guru’s asset I couldn’t figure out what I am suppose to see. Then I remembered a story about Drupka Kuenley showing his lingam to a family and they all became enlightened. Was I suppose to get enlightened? Was my mind so clouded by the emotions of being too human that I fail to see what I am suppose to see?

Every time I take a footstep towards those scared places I question. you really had to go there??? For what purpose? I get it that you needed some place quite but couldn’t you have chosen some places nearby? And what in the heaven’s name were you thinking marking those places and sculpting those rocks? Symbolism seems to be the only answer that hits you with reality and show things that is in your face, loud and sometimes so shocking that will somehow show you that there are other forces greater than you have ever believed in. But somehow these symbols seems to leave you with more questions than answers. Sometimes I agree with the place. I agree this is a beautiful place that touches your heart and makes you poetic. If I was a poet I will be writing poetic words and I find peace here and I am sure you must have come here to find the peace when life got too much.So tell me, are you laughing yourself silly because all kind of people come here to find something and sometimes believing that it will cleanse their bad karma or open their mind? Why am I here? I am here because my mind is restless and I might die soon without knowing you. I am here because I believe in higher spiritual force and I need to be in touch with it once in a while, which I cant seem to do it when I am sucked in life. On and on I will go on talking to myself believing I am conversing to someone greater than me. Buddhism doesn’t believe in god, Buddhism is a philosophy and Buddha hood. But how much of it do I really believe in it?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Playing Russian roulette with our relationship?

Life has become strange. Its strange to hear when people start playing russian roulette with their relationship. The thrill of chase, the thrill of taking chances, the thrill of having another notch on their bed post, I suppose. Wonder what happened to trust. Wonder what happened to forever ever together. Sometimes its like a musical chair the way partners are changed. Why are we so weak that for moment that we are willing to give up everything that we believe in? Its strange to hear your own principles mock at you. Its strange to hear your own trust in someone shatter. Funny, how they can move on without conscience. Like in russian roulette someone has to die, someone has to win. Who will win? Who will kill this relationship beyond saving?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Fools really rush in

“Hell hath no fury, than the women scorned.”
That is so debatable. I wish she showed fury. I wish she reacted and beat the crap out of him. I wish she’d gone on with her life instead of lamenting her single, heart broken status on facebook for all to see. She is young, pretty and hopelessly in love with a wrong person. Been separated for more than two years and I still get her sad status on facebook. Somehow, that awful guy doesn’t seem to get out of her head and heart(?). I tell her get on with her life and bloody hell with that stupid guy who left her with one child. She says she has gone with her life. Her baby is growing up. She is socializing. But why do I read her pitiful status all the time? She is even writing his name on facebook. She has never gone on with her life. She is stuck with her bruised heart with the picture of that two-timing rat forever entrenched in her heart.
The two-timing rat has moved on with another girl. He moved on before they got separated. And she was still willing to accept him back and did everything to make him come back. How melodramatic! Accept someone back who is sleeping around with someone? Seriously, she needs her head examined. Where is it written that he won’t cheat again? Men and their dinga linga ling !!!(by the way there is a raunchy song with that title by Chuck Berry). I don’t see what she sees him but she seems to see something worth remembering him ALL the time. I tell her there are lot better fishes in the sea with all sizes and shape. She should start playing the field and give up this foolish notion that he’d notice her once again. If fishes are not her choice, there are sharks too. Sharks who’d bite who ever looks at her, or a cute dolphins, who’d swim with her and be at her side or a whale who’d be silently be with her. Nope, she still wants that toad, who failed to turned into prince charming. What a waste at her young age. What a hopelessly stupid girl at her age.

dpan929l

Monday, May 23, 2011

The ugliest blog

After lot of tinkering around I somehow managed to make my blog the ugliest. The editing feature gave up and now my writings are looking all cramped up starving for space. When I am reading something, I like to read that is flowing perfectly with enough space between paragraphs telling me its a paragraph. My writing simply doesn't have paragraphs, infact its looking like it doesn't want paragraphs and the alignment is not aligning. What was once a presentable look now looks so ugly starving for space and some decent writing.

Honestly, the theme is making me sick too. All I need to do is change the colors like some of the blogs I have been complaining about, and I am sure I will take the award for the ugliest blog. Seriously thinking of changing to wordpress.

ps- still in experimenting mood.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Alter EGO

I have an alter ego. Its the other voice provoking and questioning me. Its there with its ever cynical view of life and world. Its there to keep me sane sometimes. Its there to beat the odds. Its there to make me survive.

My alter ego if ever came to life is a person with red lipstick, wears rakish hat that beats all the hats of Kate Middleton's wedding guests, killer black heels, with a cigarette in one hand. She is cynical, waspish and takes no prisoner attitude. If provoked she’d have you for breakfast. She is fast, she is loose, she sees world through jaded eyes, she is old soul. And now, I have no idea where I am heading with this piece. Alien

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The good and bad blogs

Is it me or my eyes? The blogs I visit are interesting and wonderful to read. Everything fits in together. The writing, the page, the layout, the text - beautiful. And some are just barely readable. The background and the text colors kind of merge into one making readers squint and grit through the readings. I give up as soon as I see the horrible merge-into-one blogs. One top of that I wonder how they can read their own blog with that kind of background. I think I should cut some slack here, I remember having a hard time with my own color synchronization. But, gawd, its awful to know I might have missed one brilliant writing because of the colors or whatever they call it. Template? Awa, shucks, maybe its my eyes and my age. Feeling old biddy reading those pages. Those dark colors are used for photographs or graphics blog I think. For textual blog, I am sure light colors are ok that doesnt somehow blend with your text colors. I am not an expert on blog layout. Look at my blog layout. It sorely needs a revamp but who has the time. I am going to shock myself one day and make it real pleasing to the eye kinda thing. I am proud of my present background though. Yea yea, I know my arrogance is showing but atleast I like coming to my blog and look at the colors, though I winch when I look at the layout.

Maybe, I should tell them? Or not.

Monday, May 16, 2011

All that husking!

In quest to drown myself in romance I picked up an old favorite of mine. A book by Judith McNaught – Whitney, My love. I have this as ebook so it was great to pick it up and read it. It was a favorite of mine years ago. So, I thought why not read it again, huh? So, I did. As soon as I read, I was irritated. I never read books romance book again. Like I said its to be read and forgotten or kept as a reminder of what a wonderful book it was. But, remembering what a wonderful book it was I read it again –against my better judgment not to spoil it with my criticism you usually find after reading it again. I shouldn’t have. I really shouldn’t have read it. The book got spoilt by all the husking the characters does.

“I want you.” he husked….husked?? husked?!! how does one husk? shouldn’t it be huskily or whatever? 
“I don’t want you.” she husked back..oh please not again..husked?? mama help me!!!
After lot of husking through midway. I gave up. I couldn’t torture myself with being husked left and right. The book just got deleted from my computer. Good riddance.
So, I got a thin mills and boon book. Go figure!! I don’t like mills and boon but I needed something fairy tale to forget and I needed to read about love.
What you know. I open the page and after couple of pages the hero husked!!! Damn. Not a good day to pick up books today. I am not doing right this time. Maybe I should read harry potter or something light. Ugh!! its too tiring to pick up a book and read from first to last. The hours are late. I am tired. And sadist in me tortured myself to read to till the end.  So, we all husked tortuously all the way to the end.
Then a phone rings. I pick it up..  “ Hello, husband” I husked and cringe.  

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Kite Runner and Me

Ok, I read Kite Runner. And I need something to distract me from that book. It is one of those times when I read a book and wished I was not affected. I need those insufferable historical romance book like NOW. Why do  I get involved with the characters and the plot. Oh why? I don’t understand it either. Kite Runner is a beautiful book and reminded me of the to Kill a Mockingbird. If anyone is into reading books I highly recommend this one. Amir’s journey is beautiful, sad and just human trying to find a place in the world as a Man. Its not like those fictional high paced story where you read and afterwards forget. Like my historical romance, or Dan Brown (ok, I like his book for teaching me about da Vinci and symbolism), or John Grishman (I learned something about law by the way), or Sidney Sheldon (bless his soul and may he rest in peace-I learned nothing..but I grew up reading his book).
Kite Runner is one of those rare book which has found a keeper on your shelf. I am very selective of what I decide to keep and definitely this one has found its place on my shelf along with other books like Catcher in the Rye, To kill a mockingbird, Ayn Rand beautiful book like Fountain Head. Not to mention my highly scandalized book like Karma sutra-to utter mortification of my family. My half missing set of Harry Potter, etc. Now, I am almost scared to pick up the sequel Thousand Splendid Sun. I need a rest, my heart needs a rest, I need to drown in mindless romance to forget Amir’s journey, I need happily ever after with no one dying, I need…to forget I am human too and life is not bed of roses.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Definitely Kindle

Right!! I decided. Here I go..and kindle here you come to me. I would have preferred Ipad. I love gadgets though most of the time I cant figure out how to use all the features but the comfort and ease it brings to ones life is just pure SIN. And I would definitely indulge myself if I have money rolling in my bank. I'd buy gadget over gold anytime. No wonder, my husband, looks at me as if I have grown horns when once in a while I think of buying gold. But, mind you, I dont have any gold in my name. Not yet. But I suppose I will buy it one day when I finally decide I had enough of gadgets. but the problem of gadgets are .......Sigh!! All the scrimping and saving and then when you are finally able to buy it they have moved on to better, newer and expensive version. Like the time I wanted to buy PS2 and when I finally managed enough money, lo and behold, what you know...PS3 came out.....I wanted to cry, kick or do something against the world. It wasnt fair that PS2 price went down and PS3 price shot up crazy. It wasnt fair the kind of money I was getting as government salary. It was barely enough to last me through the month. Let alone feed my family.

So, despite my desire to buy Ipad....kindle is better anytime I suppose. And boy I cant wait.....slurp..slurp...!! The feel of new gadgets and discovery of what it can do....yeaaaaa...this is life..this is bliss...

Thursday, April 28, 2011

kindle or ipad

should i buy kindle or ipad....ye gods!!! i dont know...i am torn i want ipad but the cost is too much..so second choice is kindle..but do i need kindle at all.....*biting nails*. its matter of life and death choice and of course money...

Saturday, April 9, 2011

was it fate or a choice?

Once in a while when life seems to hang and you feel like you are in limbo not knowing whether there is a straight road ahead of you or a curve with surprises , I wonder was it my fate or my choice I am here in the limbo. What is fate? What was my choice? Did I ever had it? Is everything guided by the invisible hand of karma or fate? Is there such thing as freedom of choice at all? Am I a fool to think that I made the choice without outside influence on my decision and thought? Is it fate that I am a good person or bad person? Do I have a choice to be a good person? or bad person? or is it karma that has made me who I am? I maybe confused and the depression manic is taking control of me. Whatever!

The biggest question and debate I have is on choice of one’s life partner. It all started with my husband saying because of laye, previous life deed that I am his wife. Huh??? Excuse? He meant that he couldn’t have avoided marrying me even if he didn’t want me. Because the great laye made sure that I was his wife. Of course, if this was one of those Bhutanese movie, I will be singing the saddest song of my life about laye and namkey and holding his hand walking out in sunset or maybe around the prayer wheels for all I care. But my reaction was, I was spitting mad at him and wanted to throw something over his head. Being romantic at heart I would have preferred that he choose me above all because he couldn’t have lived without me. No, he had to break my illusion and say that he had not choice there.

For me he was my choice. Fate brought us together, fate or karma made us meet together and feel ease in each other presence. Fate crossed our path. But choice was there for me..open in front of my eyes, either I choose him for my husband or not. Fate didn’t push me to choose him as my husband. For me fate and karma is when there is no choice. Like parents, children, cousins and meeting certain people. Choice is there for us to keep certain people as friends, go on a certain journey. Life always has full of choices and its up to us to make the choice and get the best. And damn if I am going to blame or kiss my fate for getting him as my husband. If I have any issues with laye, I will start by lamenting the time I met him. Yes, that’s where I will start. But the choice of my husband, I will start blaming my foolish heart and romantic notion. Next time, he says that again, I will not hesitate to throw something on his head. He is and was always my choice and not because of my bloody ley and namkey.


Friday, April 8, 2011

Now what?

I am almost done here. Time to go back home to my little baby and my husband. But now what? What do I want to do with my life? I don’t know. It’s the pressing question I have been getting often these days. Maybe write a book? I always wanted to do that. But for life of me…I don’t know how I am going to do that. My english is not so good and I am yet to come up with a story. I had a story in my mind of a young boy who goes looking for treasure of his family. Had it in my mind ever since I was in high school and it is still there in my head. The boy was based on my brother. But I am thinking can he be my hero in the story? He has grown up and with all the fears of adolescent he is facing the world the best he can. But I still remember him when he was young boy with all the innocence and joy of youth. He was magical and sweetest boy and he ended up giving me inspiration for my story running in my head. I am still thinking between four men in my life.

a) My husband – he is spoilt brat and a man. he is responsible and kind and have this sunny confidence that one cannot help but be warmed up with his sunny confidence. He is spoilt too…..by his family and sisters. He is shrewd and have the arrogance to thinks that he can achieve everything in his life. Along with his arrogance I march beside him with full confidence. When I am low I look at him to boost my confidence and my attitude. But darn I just wish I had his determination.

b) My son – another lil man growing up spoilt by in-laws and many in-laws. He will boss and order people around. Just like his father. Which irates me to no end.

c) My father – the drinker, the drunkard and the villain in the family drama ever since I was growing up. He is smart and good father. but he made sure we get the taste of domestic violence. I call it eye opening and growing up of me and my siblings. I guess it’s too crass to call it domestic violence cos we all grew up fine with occasional depression here and there we are sane and stable in mind. But he is weak, he is honest, he is just my father who thinks fate was never kind to him. And I really don’t have any answer to that. He is complex.

d) My brother – being the only son in the family he has the responsibility of man in the house. He is vulnerable and the mediator between father and the family. He is wise beyond his age and once in a while he will show his vulnerability side of a boy when we are together talking about life. He has dreams and ideas and has strong sense of family. His nemesis is our sister. One year older than him..growing up together and seeing them fight and sort out their life. He is scared of her and will put me and our elder sister in between to ask things from her. Never could fight her. She is tough, stubborn and funny. Both of them still inspire me. he is still my magical little brother having strong sense of family life, while me and my elder sister is fighting to keep family drama harming them and letting them not see what both of us saw while growing up. but father being father and mother being mother, and both of them having powerful relationship to destroy each other, no one is spared from the drama so either watch from outside or participate in the drama and most of the time we have to participate to my chagrin. So the innocence of life is again busted and we are back to circle of life.

 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Ah ha ..here I am

Well What you know..go missing in action for few months and I couldnt locate where the new post tab was...spent like half an hour looking crazy all over. Its 3 am and I am at my wits end. I have a paper due today and I still havent finished it. Its crazy and here I am back to my long lost blog and wishing I can make it more interesting like I see on others. Really, I need to slow down and not rush through as I often tend to do with my life and everything I do. I feel like there has to be a rainbow at the end if I finish this fast...and I do finish fast but the quality always sucked. At least I am being honest about it. Hmmm...Really that reminds me..back to that paper, right now!!!